THE UNHAPPY SECRETS OF SUICIDE
When a person kills himself or herself
society is shocked and appalled as if it is an aggressive act directed at
them. It is only recently that suicides
can be buried along with everyone else in the graveyard and not disgraced. As mental health consumers we often see
suicide as the great escape from our tormenting illnesses. Some see death as the peace that takes them
away from turmoil and anguish, but is it?
Many people who tried to commit suicide and failed have had a brush with
eternal hell. Others who tried to kill
themselves have permanently injured themselves.
In a local prison there is prisoner who shot himself in the mouth and
ended up blowing the bottom part of his face off. He is still living and is grossly deformed.
One patient consumed paint thinner in an attempt to kill herself and
permanently ruined her stomach and inner organs. Ask yourself, “Do you want to
end up in hell or with some unbearable deformity?”
Another unhappy secret to suicide is the
people who are left behind afterwards.
One psychologist commented that he sees the survivors for years and
still cannot fix them, because their grief continues on and on. Jeffrey Harrison, a survivor, comments, “My
older brother Andy was 47 when he killed himself in November 2002. None of us saw it coming; he had no history
of being suicidal. There were no clues
beforehand, only afterwards: the suicide itself had turned them into clues,
working backwards and putting everything in a new light – or, rather, a new
darkness. The fact of his suicide
threatened to contaminate his entire life, bleeding into the past like a
massive stain. It was hard to keep from
spreading.
The
call from my father had come in the middle of the night. My mother’s wailing in the background was the
most awful noise I had ever heard. Not
wanting to upset her
further,
my father made me guess when I asked how my brother had done it. I got it on my second guess.” Jeffrey mentions that he and his wife had
young children and that Andy was their favorite uncle. They decided to first tell the kids that
their uncle had died and wait awhile to inform them that he took his own life. Andy’s suicide note said that he had had a
good life and he thanked everybody, however, that left his family asking more
questions. Was he in denial or did he
really think that his life was good? If
his life was good why did he kill himself?
Jeffrey writes, “The question ‘why?’ which sounds so much like a cry,
will never be answered. That is the
reason his suicide has so much power: because we will never understand it. That is the why, though the stain diffuses
somewhat over time, it never disappears.
It has been five years now. We are able to cherish our memories of Andy,
to tell the children funny stories about him, but the stories memories remain
darkened by the act of self-violence that ended his life.”
Survivor John Halligan explains, “Life for
us will never be the same as it was before October 7, 2003. There are no words to describe the shock and
horror of finding your 13-year-old-son dead from suicide just as another
typical school day was suppose to begin.
Our son Ryan was a sweet, gentle and very sensitive soul. He developed a wonderful sense of humor,
enjoying mostly physical comedy, loving to make people laugh with a goofy look
or gesture. Other kids his age quickly gravitated to his warmth and friendliness…
(but) he became aware that he was not as book smart as most of his
classmates. This bothered him
deeply. He had to work much harder at
homework and re-read assignments several times to comprehend the material. He was hard on himself, no matter how we
tried to lessen the academic pressure.”
His father goes on to mention that Ryan experienced problems with
bullies as well as being in contact on the Internet with a teen that was
encouraging him to commit suicide.
John
declares, “We do not blame Ryan’s suicide on one single person or one single
event. Ryan had struggled for years with
school and in the end, was clearly suffering
from depression. But we have no
doubt that bullying and cyber-bullying were significant factors that
contributed to Ryan’s depression.”
The Center for Suicide Prevention at www.suicideinfo.ca lists some common
survivor reactions when a loved one dies by suicide:
·
Struggling to make sense of the
suicide
·
Anger
·
Guilt
·
Feeling alone
·
Blaming others for their
contribution to the suicide
·
Remorse
·
Difficulty accepting that the
dead was a suicide
·
Stigma surrounding suicide
For
survivors to recover the following things may be helpful:
·
Accept that it was a suicide
·
Learn about grieving and
suicide
·
Be honest about feelings
·
Formal and informal rituals
that honor the deceased person’s life
·
Write, read, or express
feelings in an acceptable way
·
Join with other survivors,
share stories, and give mutual aid
The
following organizations help survivors of suicide:
Canadian
Association of Suicide Prevention
“Directory
of Canadian Survivor’s Groups Telephone:
780-482-0198
Austrailia
Lifeline
Melbourne
United States
American
Association of Suicidology
There
are many unhappy secrets of suicide.
Attempting it can maim or disfigure the person who ties it and the
survivors left behind are bewildered, confused, and in deep grief. Suicide may seem like the easy way out, but
it’s not. The most unhappy secret of all
is in damning your soul for eternity.
*** Special thanks to the two survivors who let
me use their stories – John Halligan and Jeffrey Harrison
