THE UNHAPPY SECRETS OF SUICIDE

     When a person kills himself or herself society is shocked and appalled as if it is an aggressive act directed at them.  It is only recently that suicides can be buried along with everyone else in the graveyard and not disgraced.  As mental health consumers we often see suicide as the great escape from our tormenting illnesses.  Some see death as the peace that takes them away from turmoil and anguish, but is it?  Many people who tried to commit suicide and failed have had a brush with eternal hell.  Others who tried to kill themselves have permanently injured themselves.  In a local prison there is prisoner who shot himself in the mouth and ended up blowing the bottom part of his face off.  He is still living and is grossly deformed. One patient consumed paint thinner in an attempt to kill herself and permanently ruined her stomach and inner organs. Ask yourself, “Do you want to end up in hell or with some unbearable deformity?” 

     Another unhappy secret to suicide is the people who are left behind afterwards.  One psychologist commented that he sees the survivors for years and still cannot fix them, because their grief continues on and on.   Jeffrey Harrison, a survivor, comments, “My older brother Andy was 47 when he killed himself in November 2002.  None of us saw it coming; he had no history of being suicidal.  There were no clues beforehand, only afterwards: the suicide itself had turned them into clues, working backwards and putting everything in a new light – or, rather, a new darkness.  The fact of his suicide threatened to contaminate his entire life, bleeding into the past like a massive stain.  It was hard to keep from spreading.

The call from my father had come in the middle of the night.  My mother’s wailing in the background was the most awful noise I had ever heard.  Not wanting to upset her

further, my father made me guess when I asked how my brother had done it.  I got it on my second guess.”  Jeffrey mentions that he and his wife had young children and that Andy was their favorite uncle.  They decided to first tell the kids that their uncle had died and wait awhile to inform them that he took his own life.  Andy’s suicide note said that he had had a good life and he thanked everybody, however, that left his family asking more questions.  Was he in denial or did he really think that his life was good?  If his life was good why did he kill himself?  Jeffrey writes, “The question ‘why?’ which sounds so much like a cry, will never be answered.  That is the reason his suicide has so much power: because we will never understand it.  That is the why, though the stain diffuses somewhat over time, it never disappears.  It has been five years now. We are able to cherish our memories of Andy, to tell the children funny stories about him, but the stories memories remain darkened by the act of self-violence that ended his life.”

     Survivor John Halligan explains, “Life for us will never be the same as it was before October 7, 2003.  There are no words to describe the shock and horror of finding your 13-year-old-son dead from suicide just as another typical school day was suppose to begin.  Our son Ryan was a sweet, gentle and very sensitive soul.  He developed a wonderful sense of humor, enjoying mostly physical comedy, loving to make people laugh with a goofy look or gesture. Other kids his age quickly gravitated to his warmth and friendliness… (but) he became aware that he was not as book smart as most of his classmates.  This bothered him deeply.  He had to work much harder at homework and re-read assignments several times to comprehend the material.  He was hard on himself, no matter how we tried to lessen the academic pressure.”  His father goes on to mention that Ryan experienced problems with bullies as well as being in contact on the Internet with a teen that was encouraging him to commit suicide.

John declares, “We do not blame Ryan’s suicide on one single person or one single event.  Ryan had struggled for years with school and in the end, was clearly suffering  from depression.  But we have no doubt that bullying and cyber-bullying were significant factors that contributed to Ryan’s depression.”

     The Center for Suicide Prevention at www.suicideinfo.ca lists some common survivor reactions when a loved one dies by suicide:

·         Struggling to make sense of the suicide

·         Anger

·         Guilt

·         Feeling alone

·         Blaming others for their contribution to the suicide

·         Remorse

·         Difficulty accepting that the dead was a suicide

·         Stigma surrounding suicide

For survivors to recover the following things may be helpful:

·         Accept that it was a suicide

·         Learn about grieving and suicide

·         Be honest about feelings

·         Formal and informal rituals that honor the deceased person’s life

·         Write, read, or express feelings in an acceptable way

·         Join with other survivors, share stories, and give mutual aid

The following organizations help survivors of suicide:

Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention

“Directory of Canadian Survivor’s Groups  Telephone: 780-482-0198

www.suicideprevention.ca

Austrailia

Lifeline Melbourne

www.lifeline.org/connect/AftSui.htm    Telephone: 02 9635 0700

United States

American Association of Suicidology

www.suicidology.org   Telephone: 202-237-2280

There are many unhappy secrets of suicide.  Attempting it can maim or disfigure the person who ties it and the survivors left behind are bewildered, confused, and in deep grief.  Suicide may seem like the easy way out, but it’s not.  The most unhappy secret of all is in damning your soul for eternity.

***  Special thanks to the two survivors who let me use their stories – John Halligan and Jeffrey Harrison